her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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