Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
