I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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