i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
