I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Randomize
