Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
