The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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