Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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