Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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