woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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