Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Every concussion has its silver lining
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
