I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
