he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
