I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
