Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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