Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
