You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize