dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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