And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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