i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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