Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
