Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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