Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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