i just sold back the books i vomitted on
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
