awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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