3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
