Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
