Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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