I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i now understand why vodka
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
