I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize