I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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