"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
