At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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