I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
