She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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