Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
