If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
