I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
