I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
