if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
