Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
