you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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