My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize