quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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