Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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