oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
be right there i have to get my cape
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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