I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize