Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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