my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
