Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
did i walk over a car last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
