I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
