We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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