I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
