all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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