aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize