I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
