were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Congratulations! We have a period
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