he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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