How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
