My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
